You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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