When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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