So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
