I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
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