Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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