how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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