I just pynch a tree in the face
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize