FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
