Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize