Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
What a dumb baby whore.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
