Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
