After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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