on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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