Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
