I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
