I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
