My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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