started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
