I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
