Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
