if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
