Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
