i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Don't tell me you're on acid again
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
