If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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