my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
