The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
