I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
