I cockslap morals
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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