i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
