i permit you to call me
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
