so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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