i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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