Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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