like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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