Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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