True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He better not be in your backpack
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize