so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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