so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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