who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
