Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
