I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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