i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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