literally had 100 drinks last night.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
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