I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize