His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
