Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
