i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
