you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
cat food counts as protein by the way
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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