pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
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