every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
