apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
