I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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