the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We left the knife in your bed.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
