I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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