just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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