i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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