im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
