Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
