I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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