Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
