Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
