Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
