My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
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